Dear Me 2000,

It’s 2010?! That fact just kind of hit me. Where are my hoverboots and flying car already? I decided it would be fun to write a letter to myself in the year 2000 as a primer for the next decade. Enjoy!

Dear Me 2000,

I know things seem kind of stale and banal at the moment, but don’t worry, it’s about to get much more interesting (and scary). I just wanted to write you this letter to give you a hint as to what the next decade holds in store. No one did it for me but I wish they had.

Don’t worry, you’ll get a job (several, actually). It is NOT ok to put in an 8 hr. day at work and an 8 hr. night at the bar. You’ll learn that one pretty quick.

Another thing, here’s a rule of thumb to live by: If you find them on a bar stool, leave them on a bar stool. Understood? Are we clear on that? You won’t listen but you should.

Let’s see, what else? Oh yeah, you know that DVD collection you’ve been working on? Forget it. You might as well use them as coasters. Oh and your cd collection? You’ll be able to fit that in your pocket in a couple years. Matter of fact, you won’t need cds at all. Cover art is no longer a big deal.

Whatever you do, don’t let anyone trick you into reading books about boy wizards.

Get in the habit of washing your hands. Just trust me.

Oh by the way, the president is black.

Cut up your credit cards now. Go do it. I’ll wait…

Learn to use the word ‘google’ as a verb.

Stay away from spinach around 05-06 and don’t put too much stock in your stocks.

If you think that Brittney Spears is hot now, man you just wait…

Invent something called YouTube. Get on it.

As you’re about to learn, Florida is incompetent. In another four years, you’ll learn that Ohio is equally incompetent. Matter of fact, that word, incompetent, is gonna flash through your mind for roughly the next 8 years. DON’T FREAK OUT! It’ll be ok, relatively speaking.

Tiger Woods is still the golden child of all sports.

In other sports news, everyone is on steroids for most of the decade.

A lot of people are going to die or get hurt all over the world from natural disasters and other man-made disasters. This part is really terrible. Try to help whenever you can.

On TV, you’re going to be subjected to a lot of shows about people who have no business being on television. They’re called ‘reality’ shows but no one thinks they’re real anymore.

If by any chance you meet a woman named Kate Gosselin, DO NOT sleep with her.

Medical pot is legal in 14 states, including New Jersey. Try not to have an aneurysm when you read this. It’s not nearly as cool as your college mind might percieve it to be.

Don’t bother buying a dictionary, encyclopedia or thesaurus ever again.

You live in an amazingly beautiful and diverse country. Go see and learn about as much of it as you can while you’re still young.

Don’t worry about losing touch with anyone, ever. Chances are you’ll be able to find out how they’re doing pretty much 24/7.

Hold back the chuckles when you see someone using a Mac.

I’m not gonna lie to you, it’s gonna be a rough decade, filled with ups, downs, twists, turns, slides, declines, inclines, more declines and a girl named Paris.

No matter what happens, just try not to get too high or too low. You’re gonna be just fine.

Sincerely,
You 2010

Go Saints!!

I think the whole world, aside from Indianapolis (what a ridiculous name for a city), wants the Saints to win this one.
After spending a fair amount of time on the Gulf Coast the past few years, I’m inclined to say Saints fans are as passionate and loyal as any I’ve ever seen. They’ve gone through so much in the last 5 years and I want so very badly for them to have this moment as their own. That’s all, no jokes today.

I Want To Hang Out With Penny Lane, Not Kate Hudson.

Here’s Kate Hudson also filming in New Orleans. It’s some movie called Big Eyes, about a female painter in the 50′s. I’m sure it’s fascinating but can we get back to the point? I want to hang out with Penny Lane. Kate’s probably a complete bore in comparison.

Update: Every girl who has seen this pic seems to automatically remark on Kate’s chest size. Relax girls, she’s not coming for your boyfriend…unless your boyfriend plays baseball or is the singer in a band or a famous actor. A commoner would never be able to understand the complexities of celebrity life.

I Couldn’t Make This Up.

But then again, why would you ever want to? This is an actual post via Facebook from someone I went to high school with. (NOTE: Our high school was ranked top ten in the state at the time, so I’m surprised she didn’t accidentally learn to spell)…apparently I didn’t run with the crowd that glamorized illiteracy.

“Im happy ryte now…genuinely happy…wif maself..ma lyfelyne..n dat special sum1 who haz ma hart 2 da fullest…God workz n mysteriouz wayz but hey..derez a reazon 4 everythin! Luv aint suppose 2 b ez..sum ppl fight while otherz give up..Im a luvr but Ima def fight 4 who I luv n I luv u baby!**YEZ IZA DO**”

Anyone over the age of -3 should be smarter than this. If you type like this I hate you always and forever without exception. You may also want to consider voluntary sterilization in order to avoid any future stupids wasting my time trying to decipher phoenetic idiot-babble.

“I’m REALLY SORRY about Ghost Rider, ok?”

This is Nicholas Cage on set last week in New Orleans for the filming of “The Hungry Rabbit Jumps”. IMDB says it’s a movie about a husband who enlists the help of a vigilante group after his wife is brutally assaulted. I say it’s a movie about a movie star who spent WAY too much money and now has to make movies about husbands that hire vigilantes.

And if you haven’t heard the big news: Ghost Rider 2 IS…something that you can only learn about with IMDBPro, which I don’t have. The fact that it’s even listed on IMDB scares me a little though. Whoever is writing that movie should just spare themselves the sorrow and light themselves on fire in the street like that Buddhist monk protesting the Vietnam war.

PS- The Rock is still a great action movie, Nic. No one’s ever taking that away from you.

LOST

I’ve been streaming episodes starting at Season One for the last week in an effort to catch up for tonight’s premiere. I have FAILED miserably.
I’m still only at the end of Season 4 and can I just say that although the show is great, I’M SO FUCKING GLAD I DIDN’T SPEND 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE WAITING FOR THE NEXT EPISODE!!

With that said, watching it all in one week is like spending a weekend on angel dust with your dead grandmother in Vegas. That is to say, A LOT to handle.

What is a click?

I was tired of being ignorant of this measure of distance. Turns out it’s a kilometer, which is just as useless as a click in my everyday vocabulary.